from Pitiful to Powerful

My finger quivered as it lingered above my phone screen, waiting to press Post. I desired to feel the validation of being liked, I longed to be noticed, and I wanted to feel beautiful. However, self-doubt echoed in my mind like clanging bells. Was I good enough? Did my outfit look okay? Was my pose awkward? Behind the scenes, I had taken a million photos in the attempt to get one I liked enough to post, edited it to fix the lighting, and wrote a trendy caption. All in hopes I would look like perfection, and escape the sting of rejection. My finger clicked the Post button, and as my phone dinged with likes and comments, I felt validated temporarily. However, no amount of likes could fill the deep desire within my heart to be loved.

During one of the darkest seasons of my life, when I felt like my heart was in a million pieces, I posted picture after picture of me smiling. No one could see the pain in my eyes and the anxious turmoil within my soul. I wanted others to believe that I had it together when in reality, I was falling apart. I desired to showcase the perfect life. I wrote this poem during this season, and I want to share it because I want to be open and vulnerable. Not to bring attention to darkness, but to share how Jesus transformed the lowest part of my life. It was dark because of my negative perspective. I had friends and family who loved me; I truly wasn’t alone. However, my focus was on people who were rejecting me. I was living in pity instead of power through Christ. I want to show others that they aren’t alone in feeling this way. If you can relate, Jesus broke my chains and healed my pain and can heal yours.

I’ve lost myself.

I miss the person I used to be.

So naive, so innocent, so free.

So many dreams, so much hope.

But now, how do I cope?

Hundreds of likes on my phone,

But I've never felt more alone.

I strive to please everyone

But I’m so weary, so done.

I want to be loved and adored

Instead of rejected and ignored.

But I can't do this anymore.

Crying myself to sleep night after night,

All I see is darkness, where is the light?

Is there a meaning to life?

Or will I always be filled with anxiety and strife?

I had tried everything in hopes to feel like I was enough. I was striving to be like the same world that rejected my Creator. I wasn’t living with the knowledge that rejection is God’s protection. John 15:18-21 states, “If the world hates you, know that it has hated me before it hated you. If you were of the world, the world would love you as its own; but because you are not of the world, but I chose you out of the world, therefore the world hates you. If they persecuted me, they will also persecute you. But all these things they will do to you on account of my name, because they do not know Him who sent me.” This Scripture doesn’t promise that you will be loved and accepted by the world. However, as the remnant, we are in the world, not of the world. Striving to please the world leads to anxiety and strife. Striving to please the Lord results in a more abundant life.

One day, after crying myself to sleep, I knew I couldn’t live like this anymore. However, I knew that my life changing would require rearranging. I wanted to please the Lord instead of pleasing the world. When I started spending time in the Word and filling my Spirit, my religion turned into relationship. My perspective was transformed from pitiful to powerful because I was resting in my identity in Christ instead of how others saw me. I started to worship in the midst of rejection and persecution. My words changed from broken to beautiful, and I wrote new poetry:

Your works are wonderful, I know that full well.

You save me from the pits of hell.

You heal my anxiety and strife;

You give me a more abundant life.

I no longer fear rejection,

Because rejection is God’s protection.

I will praise you with every breath I breathe.

For I am Yours from the minute I’m conceived.

Your love never fails, your mercy won’t fade.

In Your image, I am made.

I used to look in the mirror and only see

a person I hated looking back at me.

But Lord, you set me free.

I am loved, beautiful, and made new,

all because of you.

Jesus, you paid the price, paid the cost.

Now I am found and no longer lost.

When I stopped striving to be accepted by the world, I started thriving. I rested in the unconditional love of Christ. I placed my focus on the people who are for me, not against me. I looked for the light instead of dwelling in the darkness.

Today, I hope you are encouraged. To rearrange your life. To be real. To worship in the midst of great pain. To rest in the assurance that rejection is God’s protection. To thrive in His unconditional love. To change your perspective.